gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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