fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The adults are the big ones right?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
