I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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