She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
