i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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