dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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