Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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