Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
