if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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