Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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