he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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