Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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