You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
