Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
