I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
