So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just want to make out with him forever
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
