I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
