Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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