Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
