that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
