I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
