I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
