sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Randomize
