I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
