My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
