My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
