I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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