she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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