he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
