she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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