Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
