omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
