I wish my penis had an off switch
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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