Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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