i just sent this text using only my big toe
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
