I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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