Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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