Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
