pop tarts are not kleenex
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
