I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Please, let me fuck your mom
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
