did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
