Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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