I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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