He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Let's paint friendship bongs
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
