Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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