I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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