Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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