Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
