I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
