you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
porn star boner night. come get it.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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